By David Steele
I first learned about the concept of a Couples Circle when I spent the weekend at Harville Hendrix’s ranch in New Mexico helping to form “Imago Couples International;” a non-profit peer support organization for couples. In addition to benefiting personally, as a relationship Coach I see tremendous benefit for participation in a Couples Circle for any functional couple who desires a fulfilling, conscious relationship.
Since learning about the Couples Circle it was my goal to start one in our area, which we were able to do after putting the word out to connect with local couples who might be interested in getting together and was gratified with a strong positive response!
I view Couples Circles as fantastic supports for most couples and forming and supporting them is a wonderful way for relationship Coaches to make a difference in their communities. While “peer support” programs typically are volunteer, their formation is a wonderful public service for a relationship Coaches that will result in increased visibility, networking opportunities, connections, and referrals. Plus, when a couple needs more than peer support can provide, they will come to YOU.
What is a “Couples Circle?”
I define a Couples Circle as a peer support group of couples seeking to deepen their relationship. In my opinion, being in a fulfilling long-term committed relationship requires sustained effort, and on-going support to survive and thrive.
A peer-led “Couples Circle” functions best with the support of at least one strong mentor couple or relationship professional. It is distinct from (what I would call) a “Couples Group” because it is peer led and no cost or fees are involved.
Why is a Couples Circle Important?
Couples can go to therapy, take workshops, and seek coaching, but then what? While a therapist or relationship coach’s agenda might be to work with a couple forever, that is NOT their agenda! Most couples prefer to get support for their relationship for a period of time, then move forward in their life without paying for professional help.
I strongly believe that no-one is successful alone. I see the Couples Circle as the missing link between isolation and dependency upon paid professional help.
As a relationship coach I don’t want my client dependent upon my support forever, and I’m invested in their continued future success. I believe recommending they join (or start) a couples circle for on-going support is a great next step for them.
And, as a therapist and relationship coach, while I don’t desire to participate in on-going therapy or relationship coaching myself, I do desire a fulfilling relationship, and have found the Couples Circle to be a wonderful support resource for my own relationship.
How does a Couples Circle work?
We meet monthly for two hours on a Sunday afternoon, rotating our meetings at each other’s homes. The couple’s home in which we are meeting are the “hosts” for that meeting.
Our meeting format is:
- Reading: Open meeting with a reading chosen by host
- Appreciations: Going around the circle, each person shares with their partner 5 things they appreciate about them, the receiver mirroring each one, then 5 things they appreciate about themselves, which is also mirrored.
- Dialogue: One couple conducts a dialogue, supported by the group.
- Debrief: After the dialogue we share our reactions and give feedback
- Planning: At the end of the meeting we plan the next date and location
We have five couples in our Couples Circle, and each meeting has been powerful, uplifting and good for our relationship. Everything that happens between one couple– a thought, feeling, want, need, appreciation, issue, etc, is usually something that touches us all, as the ups and downs of being in a relationship are pretty universal. We are able to learn and benefit from witnessing and supporting other couples going through what we go through.
It is important to note that each couple in our group has graduated from a couples workshop and has learned the basic skills and tools needed to dialogue and support each other effectively. This is one possible outcome for a relationship Coach who conducts group events such as workshops and classes for couples- some graduates will hire the coach individually, some will happily join their follow up (paid) Couples Group to continue the work and learning started in the workshop/class, and some will not see a need for paid support but will value the opportunity to form a group with other couples they have bonded with in the group event to support each other and is a great way to stay connected with their relationship Coach.
In our group each couple seems genuinely motivated to work on their relationship, is open and supportable to the group, and able to provide support positively and without judgment. I feel truly blessed to have them in our life supporting my relationship and they seem to be deeply impacted by our circle as well.
Joining or Forming a Couples Circle
I believe the Couples Circle is a simple and very powerful relationship support and development vehicle. As a former marriage and Family Therapist, relationship Coach, founder of relationship Coaching Institute and a member of a couple relationship, I would like to see peer-led Couples Circles all over the world.
Couples Circles are perfect for Church and Temple communities who typically have at least one leader or community member with enough relationship and communication expertise to form and support them.
While I advocate that all relationship Coaches conduct a class or workshop for couples at least a few times a year for marketing their coaching services and organizing and supporting Couples Circles as a community service alongside their paid coaching and groups, one option is to charge an initial fee to form and support a group of couples who haven’t taken a workshop or class to facilitate their Couples Circle for the first month or two as they learn the communication and dialogue skills needed. This will benefit their relationship tremendously as well as enable them to participate and benefit from a peer-led Couples Circle.
However, the Couples Circle is not for everyone. Couples in trouble that do not have the skills to contain reactivity and follow a structured dialogue process are not appropriate for a peer support group and should work with a therapist. Though not required, I highly recommend couples desiring to form or join a couples circle to first learn basic relationship and dialogue skills, either on their own using self-help books or by participating in a workshop that teaches these skills (see below for recommended resources).
Recommended Resources
Resource #1: marriage-Owners-Couples/dp/0978990846/ref=sr_1_1″ target=”_blank” rel=”noopener” title=””>Preventative Maintenance for Your marriage: The Owner’s Manual for a Couples Group
Resource #2: Download this free MP3 audio recording of The Couples Circle: A Powerful Peer Support Model for Conscious Couples with Nevin Valentine, Darrell Holdaway, and David Steele
This free audio program provides the format and specific instructions for how the Couples Circle works.
Resource #3: The Communication Map is a great tool to practice in a Couples Circle
Resource #4: Imago Dialogue description and format
Resource #5: To locate a therapist or workshop to learn Imago dialogue skills
Resource #6: My favorite resource for Couples Workshops and Retreats
Invitations:
- In a relationship? Start a Couples Circle! Use the links above for ideas and information to do so. You’ll be glad you did.
- Pass along this info to your friends, family, clients and colleagues. Peer support for couples is an important and powerful key to on-going relationship success.
